Prayer in Parenting

Have you ever been in a snowstorm? I mean a white-out, a total blizzard.  The wind pushes snow at you from every direction. Everything is the same color, but you can’t even see it because the snow keeps flying in your face. You’re not sure which way is home to safety or which way will lead you off to freeze in the cold. You get knocked down by the wind and forward progress is slow because of the deep, wet snow. It is cold, lonely and frightening.

It sounds a lot like parenting.

So many times I feel like I am fighting my way through a blizzard, not sure which way to go, and hardly able to think because of all the snow (soccer games, piano lessons, homework, doctor appointments, technology, etc) flying at me. And I’m not sure I’m making any forward progress through the daily routines of laundry, dishes, and cooking.

Oh, there are moments of joy, new hope, like a spring morning. I love my children with my whole heart. I love being a mom. I don’t want to do anything else right now. But sometimes often, I don’t know which way to go or what choices to make. Parenting “experts” disagree on the best way to raise a child and if you ask three people what they think is the right way to parent, you’ll get six different answers.

BJ and I discovered a long time ago that we needed help and guidance with our children. We believe that God loves our children and wants the best for each of them. So we go to Him often in prayer, to ask for guidance and advice.

Prayer is a supernal gift of our Father in Heaven to every soul. Think of it: the absolute Supreme Being, the most all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful personage, encourages you and me, as insignificant as we are, to converse with Him as our Father.–Richard G. Scott, Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer

Pray Together

BJ and I pray individually, but we also pray together each night. This prayer focuses on our family. We pray in our room where we have privacy and quiet.  We alternate who prays aloud. We will sometimes discuss issues before we pray. This allows us to be in sync about what we think should be brought to God.

At the beginning of every prayer, we thank our Heavenly Father for the blessings of family. Gratitude is vital. How can we receive more blessings and guidance if we don’t appreciate blessings that have already been given to us? So we express gratitude to God for our children, for previous guidance, and for blessings given.

I wish our prayers could end there, but hardly a day goes by without questions arising about how to handle a behavior, or what to do about a new problem. We ask for guidance about these issues.

Our prayer is one of the last things we do each night and I find great peace in this routine.

Answers to Prayers

I wish answers to prayers would come as easily as answers to text messages. That would be convenient.

BJ and I will often study out a problem and possible solutions before we pray about it. We will decide on a course of action and then take that before our Father in Heaven. If we feel good about our decision after praying, we continue on this path. But if we feel doubt, worry, and confusion BJ and I discuss the problem again and try another solution.

At other times, we will receive answers as an impression or feeling.

Recently I was worried about one of my children. This child was failing in school, he was defiant and argumentative, and every interaction ended in a battle of wills. As we prayed and pondered what to do, we felt like we needed to show him more love. God let me know that I needed to spend time with him strengthening our relationship. These interactions had to be positive with me seriously biting my tongue. So I chose things he liked to do and we spent time each day together.

It took a few weeks, but our relationship improved. I would have focused on correcting his behavior; God taught me to love him first. Then the behavior naturally improved.

What to Pray For

The short answer is . . . everything. I believe God will guide us in all aspects of our life. But here is a list of things BJ and I pray about for our family.

• Pray for protection. Ask God to protect your children from influences that may harm them.
• Pray for understanding. Ask God to give you clarity in understanding what your children are trying to communicate with you. Children aren’t always great at discussing their problems, but Heavenly Father can help you know what those problems might be.
• Pray for physical protection from harm or accidents.
• Pray for wisdom. We all need a bit of wisdom in our decisions.
• Pray for help with health issues. With three special needs children, we have prayed many times about which treatments, medications, and doctors to choose.
• Pray for patience. We all need a healthy dose of this. However, remember God will bless you with opportunities to practice patience. He wants us to “make weak things become strong.” (Ether 12:27)
• Pray for forgiveness. We all make mistakes as parents. Forgive yourself and ask God to forgive you as well. Then move on and do better.

As you help strengthen your family, prayer must be a consistent, daily part of your life. Prayer will protect you from the adversary, give you peace, and help your families love each other more.–Carol B. Thomas, Strengthen Home and Family

Have you included prayer in your parenting? What have you learned from prayer?

For more information about praying with your family, click here.

Dinner is on Us

I take Grace to speech therapy each Saturday morning. We’ve been doing this for years and it is part of our routine. Over the years we have added many items to our routines:

• daily medication
• weekly occupation therapy, physical therapy, and speech
• monthly visits to specialists
• monthly therapy appointments
• visits from respite and habilitation workers and case coordinators

While we were at therapy, I noticed a flyer on the counter. It read:

“Dinner is on Us!”

We are members of the Windrift Ward in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Our annual service project is focussing on serving the special needs community. The Windrift Ward Relief Society would like to provide you and your family a meal (or two) to support you and say thank you for all that you do!

Busy day? Lots of appointments? Pull out the freezer meal and dinner is ready.

As I read the flyer, I started to cry.

Being a mom of special needs children is different. And difficult. All the routines we added to our life took time to get used to. At times I felt like I was drowning.

I have noticed that people are unsure how to help families with special needs children. When a child is in the hospital, a baby is born, someone dies, needs are often met immediately because there is a crisis. But having a child with special needs isn’t a short-term crisis.  It is a life-long situation.

Our children don’t grow up and suddenly get cured. We don’t do a few months of therapy and “fix” our children. Therapy takes years, if not a lifetime. Medication isn’t a short-term fix. Everything about having a child with special needs is long-term, for life.

I think these situations are confusing for people. They don’t know how to help. If they get involved will they be involved forever?

I have two friends. One has a child with autism another has a child that needed immediate medical intervention that lasted for about 2 years.  For friend number two, people rallied together. They helped remodel their house to accommodate this child’s needs. They took meals. They babysat the family’s other children while they were in the hospital. They came and sat with the sick child so the parents could go to church and on an occasional date night.

For my first friend, once she got the diagnosis no one brought dinner. No one offered to babysit her other children during therapy sessions. No one helped her figure out how to contain a child who was an escape artist.

This was the same neighborhood. The same good people. What was the difference?

I believe the friends and neighbors were overwhelmed.

A crisis has an end. Autism does not.

The crisis was life or death. Autism is for life.

Please understand, I’m not angry. I understand people’s hesitation and I’ve learned how to ask for the help I need. People are most often willing to help, they just don’t know how.

So when I saw this flyer, I realized some truly saw me and saw my struggles. They understood. I don’t want to be someone’s lifelong service project. But every once and a while it feels good that someone acknowledges my struggle. That they offer to lighten my burden for just a few minutes.

So thank you Windrift Ward; thank you for choosing to help those of us whose routines are overwhelming. Thank you for serving. And thank you for dinner.

Linking up with Love That Max, Life of Faith And Modest Mom’s  Modest Monday.

Refugee Apartment Setup

Sam and I were able to set up an apartment for a refugee couple this week. It was record heat in Arizona and the day was hot. But we were all smiles for the work.

Lifting Hands International has a warehouse where they store supplies. When an apartment is set up, volunteers first pull all the supplies needed and load the truck. Because of donations, most apartments get tables, chairs, a couch, personal hygiene supplies, kitchen utensils, and even things like a microwave, rice cooker, and coffee maker.

Sam was admiring all the games and books.

This entire wall of backpacks was collected as an Eagle Scout project. Each backpack is filled with school supplies as well!

These donations were picked up that day. A church youth group collected basic food supplies: rice, beans, oil, salt and other dry goods and put them in these buckets. They should last a family a week or two.

This was Sarah’s group of volunteers that day at the warehouse.  Four more volunteers joined us at the apartment. The apartment was done in about an hour.

Doesn’t it look cozy and comfortable?

I am so glad Sam and I were able to do this together.

Growing Up

Sam has been home from the Jamboree for a month now. Newly arrived, he had stories and adventures to tell, badge trading results and souvenirs to show. He loved it, he tried new things, it was amazing.

As I listened to his adventures of scuba diving, zip-lining and the best meal ever eaten (thank you to the Amish restaurant that still has him raving about your food), I felt that he had grown. Yes, maybe on the outside, but something was different.

I sat on his bed as he unpacked from the trip; he told me about his second night. His roommates realized he took pills morning and night and were curious about it. They wanted to know why. So Sam explained.

He explained how his birth mom did meth during her pregnancy with him. He talked about ADHD and learning difficulties. He spoke about CVID and how he has monthly infusions on top of the medications his roommates saw him take morning and night. As he talked, his three roommates asked questions. They were genuinely interested. They wanted to know.

And when he was done explaining, one of the boys mentioned how blessed he felt not to have those problems. He was grateful for a body that did not need daily medications. But most of all, he was impressed with Sam and how he handled his medical difficulties.

As I watched Sam tell me this story, I could tell he sat a little taller and spoke of this story with almost reverence. It changed him, telling his story. It was as if Sam finally realized how strong he truly is. And he likes his strength. And I do, too.

Sam front and center being Sam!

The Unexpected Mushroom

I was walking our dog, Seamus, this morning and saw this growing in the grass:

I started thinking about how that mushroom came to grow there. I’m pretty sure the company that maintains the grass had no plans for a mushroom. In fact, if the conditions hadn’t been just right that mushroom wouldn’t have grown at all. It’s appearance was unexpected.

Our children have similar surprises within. We as parents don’t suspect they are there and then BAM, up one comes. You never know when a mushroom will grow in your child. Sometimes these mushrooms don’t conform to our values or teachings. At other times, the mushrooms may be traits or talents. Whatever they may be they are unexpected in the landscape we know.

My son Sam surprises me with his memory. When I talk to him, it will sometimes appear that he isn’t listening. Later, we have a situation that arises around that very topic. Sam can quote what I taught him. Because he has ADHD, it’s difficult to know when he is listening and when he isn’t. This unexpected talent surprises me, but I’m always grateful when it happens.

I had another surprise “mushroom” on vacation this year. One of my children and I went to get a drink. While filling the cup, this child used language that shocked me. I didn’t expect it and I asked “Excuse me?” The child said “Dad, sometimes I use language like that.” I told this child that I didn’t appreciate that language and that he should not use it around me or others. This is a mushroom that I wish hadn’t sprung up. I was disappointed it had.

So, just like the mushroom I encountered on my walk today, our children sometimes pop-up with things that can surprise us. What about you? Have you seen mushrooms sprout unexpectedly in your children? What do you do when it happens?

 

 

Queen of the Kingdom

Four years ago my sister announced that she had tickets to something called Queen of the Kingdom taught by Kim Duncan. It was a conference for women being held the last two days of our Utah vacation, which meant I could go.

I was thrilled; hear the sarcasm?

But she had already bought the tickets so she dragged me to the event. I wanted to spend some kid-free time with her and we planned lunch where you didn’t have to unwrap your food. (I’m looking at you McDonald’s.) If I had to listen to some touchy-feely stuff to have some girl time, so be it.

Life at home was difficult at this time. The entire family walked on eggshells, fearing meltdowns from my oldest autistic son, Levi. Grace, who has fetal alcohol syndrome, was experiencing learning difficulties. Sam was starting to show signs of what we would later diagnose as common variable immune deficiency. Ellie was trampled by a horse and spent 10 days in the pediatric intensive care. Her full recovery took a year and she was finally back on her feet. We moved and were still getting settled in our new home. Our lives were chaotic.

I was barely holding it together. The daily living of doctor appointments, therapies, medication refills, and household management were spending all the energy I had and I had nothing left for me.

So there I stood: angry, tired, scared, and fragile. I put on a facade of toughness to hide the absolute mess that was going on inside. I couldn’t afford to fall apart. I had too many people depending on me.

The conference began with some touchy-feely positive affirmations embracing womanhood (insert eye-roll). All around me were happy, smiling, well dressed women (jealous much?).

Then there was the music. It was the music that got me. Kim had us sing the words to a song called Little Me. Had I just said the words, I may have been able to hold it together. But we were singing. Singing adds power to what we say.

I’d tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder
Tell her she’s beautiful, wonderful
Everything she doesn’t see

I realized three things that weekend:

1. I needed to believe the words of the song, I was beautiful, wonderful, strong.
2. I needed to pay attention to my needs and my emotions. I was not helping my family if I couldn’t deal with my emotions. And I needed to model better self-care habits for my children.
3. I needed some new skills. I had learned a lot about parenting children, but very little about caring for the parent.

BJ and I know that parenting is HARD. We know that parents of special needs children rarely get relief. They often ignore their own needs because the needs of their children are so overwhelming.

Tomorrow my sister and I are returning to Queen of the Kingdom. This time I got the tickets and I am taking her. I could use a refresher and I definitely need some girl time. I’ll let you know what else I learn.

The song we sang is Little Me by Little Mix.

 

 

 

 

 

Putting Mom to Bed

I love bedtime routines. Freshly bathed children, snuggles with books, prayers, and late night talks with teens. It would even be better if I weren’t dragging from the exhaustion of the day. My dream would be moving bedtime routines to 10:00 am which is usually my high energy time.  Bedtime routines would include more snuggles, more books, and less pleading from mom: “Please stay in bed; It’s time for sleep; No you can’t make a sandwich and eat it in bed.”

And teen talk. Wow, instead of me half asleep, trying to stay awake as the teenager is finally opening up (for the first time that week), at 10:00 am I would be alert, listening and perhaps even responding.

However, that is not to be and I will continue to do one of my favorite jobs while exhausted, sleepy and longing for bed myself.

So this last week as I was contemplating bedtimes routines and simultaneously experiencing my 5th migraine headache for the week, I knew I just didn’t have it in me. But I wanted to still have the snuggles and rewards of bedtime. So I announced to my not sleepy, not tired, not ready for bed children, that Mom had a migraine and needed to be tucked in, with stories.

You would have thought I had handed them tickets to Disneyland. Each of them jumped up (those that weren’t currently already up) and ran to get a book. I stumbled to my room and barely made it into my pajamas before the herd of children came bouncing into my room.

Grace tucked me in with my favorite soft blanket and patted my head. Lia jumped up and claimed the prime spot next to me and Ellie directed traffic. Then each of them took a turn reading to me.

It was magical. I loved being part of the routine I enjoy each night, however, this time I was able to relax and sink into my own covers. Heaven was right there. After books, each girl kissed me, patted my aching head, then Ellie shooed them out of the room and turned off my light.

I think they all eventually made it to bed. At least that is where I found them the next morning when I awoke, headache free and smiling at the sweet memories of being tucked in by my daughters. Try it sometime; I think it may become an occasional treat for mom around here.

Brotherly (and Sisterly) Love

When I look at this photo I feel grateful for the love my children have for each other. Sam and Grace are both dealing with big health struggles. Perhaps that is what makes them both so compassionate when their siblings are ill.

On this particular Sunday Sam was exhausted. He has CVID (more about that here) and it wipes him out. His body is tired from fighting infections and trying to stay healthy. He needs sleep and a lot of it. I’ve heard church naps are the best naps, so maybe he was taking advantage of this.

Grace, our sweet daughter with fetal alcohol syndrome and cerebral palsy, was concerned about him watched over him through part of the Sunday Service.

As I looked down our pew and noticed this sweet interaction, my heart just about burst. They do love each other. Oh, they can fight with the best of them, in crazy bouts that rival WWE. But when it comes down to it, they love each other. They can show compassion and tenderness for each other in moments of need. And in this moment, I was absolutely grateful to be there mom. And grateful they have each other.

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This post is part of the Finish the Sentence Friday link-up on Finding Ninee. Thanks for letting me take part.

Dad is Fat

BJ and I love to laugh and we love to listen to clean comedians.  I recently heard about a new book by Jim Gaffigan: Dad Is Fat I love his comedy and I enjoy listening to funny stories about family life. Gaffigan has 5 kids and lives in New York City, which makes for some great stories about the perils of a large family in New York.

I listened to this book during trips to doctors’ offices and I couldn’t stop laughing out loud. The kids kept looking at me funny, because although his humor is “family friendly” they just aren’t parents yet and didn’t get all the jokes. That may be a good thing, because most of his jokes are about kids.

Although Gaffigan laughs at his children’s antics, you can tell he is a pretty proud Dad and loves being a family man. The book is a hilarious and positive look at parenthood.

If you are looking for a last minute Father’s Day gift, this is it. It is on sale right now on Amazon and I will be sending this out to some of the fathers in my life.

 

Seeking Grace

When our daughter Grace was a baby, she was diagnosed failure to thrive. Being born prematurely at 33 weeks and exposed to alcohol during pregnancy, had left her body struggling to gain weight. We were not sure of the extent of physical deformities, so she was subjected to many tests.

 

One test was a barium swallow. For this particular test, Grace could not eat for several hours before hand. She was then strapped to a papoose board to keep her absolutely still. Then a foul tasting formula that had a metallic compound was placed in her bottle. The technicians wanted her to drink so they could x-ray the solution as it passed her esophagus into her stomach. This would allow us to see if there was physical problems with eating.

Well, that was the ideal. This is how it went: Grace freaked out at the sight of all those technicians and doctors. She refused to lay still. She refused to drink. She arched her back and screamed the moment they placed her in the papoose board. They couldn’t strap her in because she was so strong. She continued to refuse to drink. She wouldn’t hold still long enough to x-ray her. My other child, Lia, hearing Grace scream began to scream. I tried to calm Grace, as four of us (technicians, the doctor and me) struggled to hold her down long enough to get an x-ray. Sweating, anxious, and stressed, I was close to tears as well.

As I walked out of the hospital that day, love for Grace’s birth mom was not how I was feeling. Yes, I was grateful she placed Grace with me. However, I was angry. Angry at her for drinking. Angry at her for Grace’s fetal alcohol syndrome. Angry at her for the stress, anxiety and worry she was causing me. Angry at her for the damage she had done to Grace’s body and mind because of alcohol.

I don’t have a picture of the barium swallow test (too crazy of a day) but this is a few years later taking an EEG for possible seizures.  She was kept up until midnight, and woken at 5 am so she would hopefully sleep during the test. Again reality: she didn’t. And she cried the whole time.

This same anger flares during IEP (Individual Education Plan) meetings when test results from a MET (multidisciplinary evaluation team) have come back with low IQ and test results; when it has taken over 3 years of teaching subtraction for Grace to master minus 2’s; when I feel like Grace’s needs are not being met. It is after those meetings that I am angry, because if Grace’s birth mom had chosen not to drink, perhaps none of this would be necessary. Perhaps I would have a neuro-typical daughter, sitting in a typical classroom, reading on grade level.

I know we’re not supposed to talk about this part of adoption: the anger and resentment that comes from choices made by birth moms. It is kept quiet, not talked about because it is difficult to untangle the conflicting emotions.

I love my children’s birth moms. I am grateful because without them, I would not be a mother. However, I also feel anger towards their addiction and how it has affected two of my children.

Resolving these emotions became easier when I realized how strong the addictions had to be for both mothers to not be able to stop during pregnancy. I met both of these women. They loved their children. They made careful choices of where they would place them. I know that if they could have quit during pregnancy, they would have. So my anger is redirected to addictions and it’s hold on them. Addiction is frightening and I am sure they wanted the best for their children. But addiction won this battle.

So I pray. I pray for grace, the kind Christ offers, for them. That he will help them recover from their addictions. I pray for my children, that Christ will make up the difference of what they cannot do. And I pray for grace for me; that I will be forgiven for my anger. That when I fall short (and I do) that Christ, the birth moms, and my children will forgive me. Because I am not perfect either. We named our blog Grace Full Parenting because we all need grace, each one of us.