Connecting With Your Child

Parents find out quickly that children are not the same. They don’t think the same; they don’t act the same; they don’t like the same things. This presents a real challenge when trying to connect with each child.

I have something I try and do every week to connect with each child. We call it our weekly father’s interview. Each Sunday, I take between five minutes to an hour and have a one-on-one with each of my children. We discuss the week’s events, what’s coming up next week, how their schooling is going, and other topics relevant to them in that moment.

I follow a simple plan to hold these interviews. This plan allows the child to open up and feel safe in our conversations. I have also found that following this plan allows me to be less judgemental and more conversational.

1. Find a Quiet Place

The Father’s Interview needs to be held in a quiet place free from distractions. It also ensures that none of the other children eavesdrop on the conversation. Providing a safe place to talk allows the child to open up and feel free to speak what’s on their mind.

2. Start With Prayer

I find that if we start with a prayer we can invite God into the conversation. The prayer allows us to bring focus to the interview as it is a known starting point. I also silently pray for guidance as we discuss things so that I can connect with my child.

3. Review Last Week’s Goal

Each week the child has set a goal to improve (see number 6 below). We start off the interview by reviewing that goal and seeing how they did. There is no judgment here, just a report on how they did and how they feel about how they did.

4. Ask “What’s Going Well”

We start off with “What’s going well?” This question prompts the child to think about the positive. It brings good energy into the conversation and usually smiles. When your child is smiling they relax and talk more freely.

5. Ask “What Could Improve”

The next question I ask is “What could improve?” The child then thinks about ways to be better. It gives them the chance to reflect black and determine for themselves where they want things to change.

6. Ask “What Is One Thing You Will Change To Make Next Week Better”

The last question I ask is “What is one thing you will change to make next week better?” Now that we’ve discussed what could improve, we set a goal. The child chooses one thing to focus on for the next week. The child then reports in the next father’s interview on how they did on that goal.

7. Open It Up

The last part of the father’s interview is opening it up for the child to talk about anything on their mind. Sometimes, I need to prompt the child to get them started. A question such as “What is going well with your friends?” can open up a dialog.

Giving them time to open up and discuss things they want to discuss builds trust. I don’t have to have all the answers, but I do have to listen. If they ask for advice, I will give it. If not, then I’ve listened and that can be enough.

8. Close With Prayer

At the end of the interview, we close with prayer. We thank God for the time spent together and ask for help during the week on the goal that has been set. After the prayer, I tell the child I love them and that I’m so happy they are in our family. Letting the child know you love them allows them to leave the interview on a high and inspires them to move forward.

Connecting with your child is important. The connection builds trust and a tighter bond. When we’ve connected with our children, our love for them is shown and it grows stronger.

How do you connect with your child? What have you found that works? Comment below, I would love to hear your ideas.

Taking the Time to Look Up

When Sam was 5 years old, I coached him in soccer. It was a time where the kids could be as creative as possible while limited coaching occurs (basically tell them to go in the right direction and get the ball). Sam was an interesting player. In 3 games he had two goals, but this last game he did things that most 12-year-old players don’t do.

The concept is called looking up. In the game, Sam would get the ball and stop to look around and see where the other kids were and which way he needed to go. He was the only player on the team to do this. His goal in this game came after he dribbled the ball down the field and stopped to look where the goalie was and shoot the ball where the goalie wasn’t. Of course having played soccer for so many years I am well familiar with looking up and finding the right course. It’s a concept all of us should take note of.

What if we took a moment in our day to look up? What if when we looked up we were able to see what direction we should go. I know in my personal life I do NOT look up enough. I don’t take the time to ensure that the course I’m on is correct. This is a critical time for all of us and I believe that we need to look up more and take notice of what is happening around us. It is also critical for us to chart a course that will lead us to safety and happiness.

I’m glad that Sam looked up in his soccer game as it inspired me to do so in my life.

The Pressure and Joy of Being a Dad

I love being a dad. It is one of the best and hardest things I’ve ever done. Being a father brings responsibilities. It also means that there is pressure on me to do my best.

Being my best means there are things that must be done:

• Providing for the family
• Setting an example of how to work hard
• Teaching right and wrong
• Taking time to connect and talk with each child
• Maintaining a strong marriage

And the list could keep going!

It is also important that I continue to learn and grow. I’ve learned that it is vital to develop routines and habits so that I don’t get overwhelmed. That is why I have created an AM routine, a PM routine and other habits like reading books.

Likewise, centering my life around God helps me to understand my place as a father. I know there is a higher power who wants me to succeed. He wants to guide me on my journey as a father. One reference I use is “The Family: A Proclamation To the World.” I believe this proclamation is divinely inspired for our day. In it we find the following:

Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.  —The Family, A Proclamation to the World

The proclamation is a guideline, not only for finding happiness in family life but how to deal with the pressures of being a father. For one thing, it tells me that I’m not in this alone. Cheryl and I are equal partners. We share the responsibilities of the home.

It also says that I need to show love and be righteous in my home while providing for my family. Some people might see that as being a weight on them. For me, it’s liberating. I have a goal to strive for. I may not be perfect in that area, but if I’m working towards achieving it, then I know that I am on track and God will support my efforts.

My six tips to reducing dad stress:

1. Create routines – when routines become automatic, I can save energy for more important responsibilities
2. Have fun – laughing keeps my family happy, it also helps us to remain calm
3. When needed, take a deep breath – there are times we get frustrated, taking a moment to breathe helps us to address issues without emotional bias
4. Don’t react, relax- If we immediately react to a situation we can cause more harm than good
5. Don’t allow work or financial frustrations to come home with you – work can be frustrating, but bringing that frustration home will only add to the pressures we feel. Relieve the frustration before interacting with family
6. Take time for self – whether it’s a favorite hobby, sport, or just downtime, taking time for yourself helps you re-center and re-focus on those things that are most important

It’s not easy being a dad. If we as fathers can frame our thinking towards being uplifting instead of being weighed down with stress, then we can concentrate on being better fathers.

What pressures do you find as a father? What do you do to relieve that pressure?

The Power of Example

Saturdays usually mean house cleaning and yard work. Recently, our Saturdays also include club soccer for Ellie and Levi. This has created a bit of chaos because they usually play at different venues at the same time. So Saturdays usually have a rushed feeling as we try to get everything accomplished.

The last Saturday of September was no exception. Grace had speech therapy in the morning and we had limited time to get house and yard work done before soccer began. Cheryl did an amazing job of getting everyone to do some housework. However, there really wasn’t time for much yard work because soccer started at 11:00 and went all afternoon. However, I had some time and decided it would be a day of example for yard work.

I went out to the backyard where there were a lot of weeds and started pulling. I didn’t ask anyone to come help me or even mention to the children that I was going to do yard work. After 15 minutes, I heard the back door and Levi appeared with a pair of gloves on to help me. Cheryl had asked if anyone wanted to help dad and Levi answered the call. After asking what he could do I gave him a weeding tool and set him to work. He stayed almost to the end and filled 2 five gallon buckets with weeds.

Setting an example has been on my mind a lot this week. I had the opportunity to run the house by myself when Cheryl took a couple of days to bond with friends. I thought about what example I was setting during those days and how it affects my children.

One of the examples I’m trying to set is being present. We’ve seen lately a tendency for everyone to go to their own corner of the house and be alone. So, I decided that I would be present in a main room of the house and invite the children to come out and have fun. This created moments when we were able to play games and enjoy each other’s company.

Children are very observant. Lia is constantly reminding me about the example I set. It usually comes in the form of “Well, you did this with Sam . . . so why can’t we . . . .” In those moments I have to take a deep breath and realize what kind of example I have set. I also have to remain calm as I explain why Sam needed that activity and how her needs are different.

Here is a list of areas where I feel examples are important:

• Work – as I work from home, do my children see me doing my best?
• Play – do my children see me having fun?
• Chores – am I doing my part in keeping the house clean and maintained?
• Relationship with Cheryl – how am I showing my love for her?
• Relationship with each child – does each child feel loved? do they feel like I’m interested in what they do?

There are lots of other areas I set examples in, but these are the ones I feel are most important right now.

What about you? Where do you set examples in life? What effect does your example have on others?

Turning Points

I have been thinking recently about events in my past that were turning points; experiences where I set a new direction for my life. How did I come to those decisions? How can I help my children make good decisions?

Teaching children correct principles and morals

I decided early on as a father that I wouldn’t let a teaching moment go by. It is vital to teach our children principles and morals we believe are correct. For me there are two ways in which to teach these:

1. In the moment – be prepared to recognize a teaching moment. Discuss what lesson(s) can be learned from the moment. Ask “What choice would you have made?”
2. Personal stories – take time to discuss personal situations and the decisions you made. Ask the children “What do you think were the consequences of my choice?” Discuss if the choice was a good one and why.

Looking for and then acting on situations where teaching can occur makes it easier to have a discussion. Using your own stories to reinforce a principle lets your children relate to the problem in a personal way.

Influencing children to make correct decisions

The best way to influence children to make correct decisions is by example. Let them see you making decisions in your life. Help them understand why you decided what you did. Allow them to ask questions about the decision. Being able to personalize our principles and morals will lead our children to understand them better. Those stories stay in their memory and surface when they need to make a decision. This is important for those moments when they have to rely on themselves.

Allowing children to choose for themselves

One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made as a father is not letting my children choose for themselves. When I’ve made the decision for them, it’s as if I’ve said: “you’re not smart enough to make this decision yourself”. This leads to mistrust. I do however make decisions when the consequence could put them in physical danger.

When a child can choose for themselves, it gives them a sense of independence. This does not mean they are exempt from the consequences of a decision. Failure can be a great teaching tool and we should not be afraid as parents to let that happen.

Being non-judgmental when a choice has a negative consequence

When a child makes a correct decision, we need to celebrate it. Celebrating correct decisions builds up an image of success in the child. They gain confidence in their decision-making ability and will make correct decisions more frequently.

When a child makes an incorrect decision, we need to avoid negative or disparaging remarks. Instead, we need to help them understand why the decision was incorrect without removing the consequence. The consequence is just as much a teaching tool as the discussion around why the decision was incorrect.

A Recent Turning Point

Recently, we made the decision to homeschool Sam. The decision was made jointly with Sam. This meant that Cheryl and I would be responsible for teaching him and he would be responsible for studying and following his agenda. It’s only been a couple of weeks, but we have seen benefits because of this decision. One benefit is that our relationship with Sam has grown stronger. He is getting more one-on-one time which is affecting his behavior positively. Sam is also learning how to study. He had to choose to study and he is studying harder than before. He is learning more because of this.

We are hoping that this turning point will lead Sam to be a hard worker and independent learner. We also want this to be a time to strengthen our relationship with him. We hope this independence and ethics of hard work will become a turning point for Sam. His education becomes the way in which he learns independence and how to contribute positively to society.

Another recent turning point you can read about was Lia running for Historian.

How have the turning points in your life affected your direction? How have you helped your children learn correct principles and morals? What stories can you share with them where you had a turning point?

Master Your Influence

Last weekend I attended Master Your Influence, a class put on by 3 Key Elements. As you know I work on personal development. This class incorporates some of the things I talk about in Little Voice Management and My PM Routine. It’s a three day class on how to get great results when working with other people.

BJ Attending Master Your Influence

The Premise

The basics of mastering your influence are shown in the diagram below:

Looking at the diagram you can see that what you think affects your behavior. Your behavior comes in two pieces: Attitude and How You Act. Your behavior then affects your influence on others via experiences. Your experiences are directly related to the results you get. So, managing the way you think can lead you to have great experiences which lead to great results.

This means that Little Voice Management is key to having great results. The class talks about filters in our mind and how to overcome the blocks that stop positive thoughts.

Two Tools

There are two tools discussed to help with our thoughts: a Vision Board and Declarations.

Your Vision Board will help you define the tangible items and accomplishments you want to bring into your life.

Declarations can be a word, a sentence or a set of sentences.

What you say carries incredible power. There are constantly thoughts going through your mind, often in the form of single words that repeat again and again.

Our minds are designed for absorbing information. While a one word declaration can bring you confidence, getting more detail can be a helpful step. Try a one sentence declaration.

Having a one word mantra or a sentence you can rely on during the day is a powerful way to boost you to face your daily challenges. You can also use a series of empowering statements.

Class Activities

There are two activities in the class that demonstrate how to use these tools. The first is a “Vision Board” experience. Each person writes down something he wants during the class. I wrote “Appointment for professional headshots for my wife and me to use on our blog. (In AZ)”. Then this paper along with your name is posted on the class vision board. Throughout the class, students check the board to determine if they can fulfill someone else’s need. It is amazing to see the generosity as these requests are fulfilled.

The second activity creates declarations. Each person begins by writing 40 words that describe themselves. Then they are to choose the seven most meaningful words. My words were:

• Spiritual
• Courageous
• Worthy
• Teachable
• Healthy
• Leader
• Motivated

Now combine the words into a one sentence declaration:

I am a teachable, healthy, worthy, courageous, spiritual and motivated leader.

The instructor had us draw an image of ourselves next. Once we had the image we placed the seven words around the image.

The words are to act as a shield against negativity. The image should be placed somewhere to be seen regularly.

Involving Family

I liked this exercise so much that I had my children do this as well.

When we did the activity the children were a little skeptical. However, when we finished, Levi looked at me and said, “Thanks, Dad, this is cool.” He then got the tape and hung his picture up. I think he’s caught the vision of thinking positive.

A Shout-out

Before I close, I want to give a shout-out to the owner, founder, and trainer of 3 Key Elements. His name is Kirk Duncan and he’s doing a lot of good by teaching these concepts to people. I know how much they’ve helped me and my family.

Kirk Duncan teaching at Master Your Influence

Overall, Master Your Influence is great for helping people think positively. Positive thinking leads to changes in attitude and action. Attitude and action influence others through experiences. Positive experiences lead to great results. Mastering Your Influence starts with mastering yourself.

Trust But Verify

Sometimes you think you are doing something great, then it turns out you didn’t have all the information…

School’s In

I have a love-hate relationship with school. On the one hand, the children get to learn and a routine is established. On the other hand, there is the constant chase. You know, the “time to get up,” “are you ready yet,” “what did you learn today,” “did you get your homework done,” and  “time for bed” chase.

Our five children have different school schedules. I guess that’s what happens when you have 5 children, 4 campuses and 3 different schools. For us, we had to pick the schools that would give our children the best chance at learning. The children with special needs have to have the right environment and the right help.

It took some research and some reconnaissance, but we found schools that were good fits for each child.

Take Levi for example. When he graduated from 8th grade we had to make a decision on High School. The district school had over 1,500 students in it. For Levi, that’s a big number. He doesn’t really like big crowds, so we went looking. We visited three charter schools plus the district school. As a team we decided on one of the charter schools and it has proven to be a good choice. The number of students is small. There is more opportunity for better friendships and participating in extracurricular activities such as soccer.

Grace has been a challenge. Her fetal alcohol syndrome and cerebral palsy have led to difficulties in learning. A couple of years ago we had to make the difficult decision to place her in an self-contained classroom. This meant leaving the local elementary school and going to another that is further away. Grace was excited because she gets to ride the bus, the only one of our children who does. It won’t be long before we are faced with another decision about her education once she “graduates” from 6th grade. We may need to home school her at that point.

Two years ago we moved Sam from the local school district to a charter school. We felt it had a better special education department. We found out if we didn’t move him in 6th grade we might not have been able to move him in 7th. However, with his recent diagnosis of CVID and the ramifications of that disorder and medicine, it looks like we will need to home school him. School is not comfortable right now and he tends to miss a lot of days due to his condition.

Ellie moved from the local school district to a charter school in 7th grade. After Levi’s experiences in the school district’s middle school, we felt it would be better for Ellie to move. Also, several of her friends moved to the same charter school. Ellie has done well, even if she has a lot of homework every night.

Lia needed a challenge. She also needed a different environment. When Sam and Ellie moved to the same charter school, we moved Lia also. She has excelled there and we feel like it has been the right move.

All of this organizing of schools and needs can leave things crazy at our house. We have been fortunate enough to get carpools and scheduling so that things run semi-smoothly. Still, with 3 different schools and 3 special needs children, my love-hate relationship with school endures.

Levi’s Summer Camp

Every year since he turned 12, Levi has had the chance to go to Scout Camp in the Summer. The first time he went he lasted 3 days. The past few summers he hasn’t gone at all. So you can imagine my trepidation as we headed out this year to camp.

Add on to this that I got the assignment for organizing the activities that would be done during the camp for Levi’s age group. He is a Venture scout and in the age group of 16-18. So, here we are with 50+ other 16-18 year-old young men and their leaders.

Monday morning we got up at 4AM in order to load the bus and start out on this adventure. We went to Lake Pleasant for Lake Ball, Canoe Tug-of-War, Paddle Board/Snorkeling, and Gutter Ball. It was a full day and Levi had a great time.

Levi Playing Gutter Ball

After the Lake we travelled up to base camp at Camp Raymond near Parks Arizona. The young men setup camp, had dinner and then attended a camp fire program. Levi isn’t the best at attending these kinds of things and he skipped out this night and went to bed.

Tuesday and Wednesday brought a split of the group. 1/2 of them went by bus to Mount Humphries which is the highest point in Arizona. They hiked the mountain and most of them made it to the summit. The other 1/2 went to Sycamore Falls. They had to ride 8 miles on bikes to get there and it was an enjoyable ride (yes I rode the path). At the Falls there were three activities: Rappelling, Rock Climbing and a Tyrolean Traverse.

BJ on the Tyrolean Traverse

Wednesday night was the second of three program events. Levi attended this one, although it might have been grudgingly.

Thursday we stayed at camp. The highlight of the morning was shooting pistols. Most of the young men hadn’t done this before (outside of video games that is) and so it was a great learning experience. Levi did well.

The afternoon activity got rained out (we saw rain everyday). This was the only time that we got rained out for an activity all week. Thursday night was spent in camp with the scout unit (local unit not the big group).

Friday was the last day of activities. We went to Schulz Creek for a downhill 4 mile mountain bike ride. Everyone got in the vehicles just before the rain hit. We then traveled to the Lava Cave for a little exploring. Again the rain hit while we were in the cave and so most of the group stayed dry.

Friday night was the last night of the program and Levi came willingly. That’s progress for the week.

Saturday was time to pack up and go home, but not without helping the quartermasters clean up their area.

The best part of the week? Levi didn’t once ask to go home. In fact, his tent stayed dry (unlike mine) and he had an enjoyable time. I couldn’t be with him at every step and he did very well independently. And I still had a smile on my face when all was said and done.

The Unexpected Mushroom

I was walking our dog, Seamus, this morning and saw this growing in the grass:

I started thinking about how that mushroom came to grow there. I’m pretty sure the company that maintains the grass had no plans for a mushroom. In fact, if the conditions hadn’t been just right that mushroom wouldn’t have grown at all. It’s appearance was unexpected.

Our children have similar surprises within. We as parents don’t suspect they are there and then BAM, up one comes. You never know when a mushroom will grow in your child. Sometimes these mushrooms don’t conform to our values or teachings. At other times, the mushrooms may be traits or talents. Whatever they may be they are unexpected in the landscape we know.

My son Sam surprises me with his memory. When I talk to him, it will sometimes appear that he isn’t listening. Later, we have a situation that arises around that very topic. Sam can quote what I taught him. Because he has ADHD, it’s difficult to know when he is listening and when he isn’t. This unexpected talent surprises me, but I’m always grateful when it happens.

I had another surprise “mushroom” on vacation this year. One of my children and I went to get a drink. While filling the cup, this child used language that shocked me. I didn’t expect it and I asked “Excuse me?” The child said “Dad, sometimes I use language like that.” I told this child that I didn’t appreciate that language and that he should not use it around me or others. This is a mushroom that I wish hadn’t sprung up. I was disappointed it had.

So, just like the mushroom I encountered on my walk today, our children sometimes pop-up with things that can surprise us. What about you? Have you seen mushrooms sprout unexpectedly in your children? What do you do when it happens?